Another outrageous piece from Nury

Hide your privates.   Machines which see through clothes are coming to Asia.  Hong Kong, South Korea, Japan and other places have ordered the devices, already in use at airports in the West.

Reader Paul Fox has a plan up his sleeve (not his trousers, security officers, please note).

“One of the first items to buy on my holiday list are scan-proof undies,” he said.  Invented  by an engineer in Colorado, these underpants have a built-in fig leaf which keeps your private parts private.

I mentioned this in the bar, and an entrepreneurial friend became very excited.  He started scribbling a strange undulating shape on the back of his napkin.

“A lead-lined fig leaf just hides what you have. This invention will enhance it, “ he said.

I peered at what he had drawn.  “You’re going to put a bowl of fruit down your pants?”

He said: “It’s not fruit. It’s a moulded piece of rubber which will give men a flattering profile as they enter full-body scanners. Male security officers will gasp, salute you and say: ‘Respect”.  Female security officers will leap over their counters and ask for your phone number.”

He asked whether this happened to me when going through full-body scanners on my recent business trips.  I pondered for a while before opting for an ambiguous answer: “Not every time.”

The barman said a friend of his thought of a wild scheme.  “Possession of child porn in illegal, right?” he said.  “My friend plans to send his children through the scanner- and then arrest the entire air transport security department.”

Of course, one can opt for the patdown.  Paul said that he disliked the idea of a security officer ‘getting to second base” on their first meeting.

A male flight attendant said the main change in patdown procedure was small but important.   “Up to now, they stroked your private parts with the backs of their hands, which doesn’t feel intrusive.  But in the new system, a guy in uniform feels your private parts with his fingertips, which feels really bad.”  “Or really good, if you are gay, “ said the entrepreneur.

I found this comment objectionable.  I said: “Don’t assume all gay people are perverts who like being fondled by strangers.”  The flight attendant was puzzled.  “We aren’t?” he

asked.

This was all getting a bit too R-rated for me, so I tried to change the subject.  The others wouldn’t let it go.

A woman who reads gossip magazine said Fergie, an attractive pop singer, went through a full-body scanner the other day.  “When someone puny like you steps into such a machine, everyone just gets a laugh,” she said, looking at me.  “But when a celeb steps into one, that machine is creating a valuable image that could be sold for a fortune.”

“How can we assume security officers will resist temptation, as the world’s most beautiful people step through their scanners?”

I didn’t respond.  I was too busy looking for an online job application form to become an airport security officer.  I’ve always thought of the job as being among world’s most miserable but it’s just about to become a whole lot more fun.